10 Morals for My Son After the 2016 Election

We are nearing the end of 2016, and the final outcome of the Presidential election has come to pass. Donald J. Trump is the President Elect.

I know that this has disturbed you. You have heard the same things that I did throughout his campaign. No, we didn’t make them up. Someone else didn’t tell us about them, or spin a story that was hard to fathom. You’re not going crazy. I heard him say and do those things as well.

I have some changes to the way I will be bringing you up so that you, too, can become a Great Man

I know that I wasn’t a big fan of Hillary Clinton and I am sorry for that. It was an extremely difficult choice for me to support her, but at the time I felt like it was a sober one in light of all that we learned about her opponent.

But now, days after the election’s completion, I question everything I have said. Not just about Mr. Trump, but about every moral or value I instilled in you thus far. Millions of people have spoken. Perhaps I have been wrong all along. To be the President of the United States is the highest honor an American citizen can undertake, and he (or she) has to prove to be an exemplary human being. The entire free world looks to them for guidance, wisdom and fairness in equal measure. Therefore, I question all that I have shared with you about my opinions of our President Elect.

With that being said, I have some changes to the way I will be bringing you up so that you, too, can become a Great Man that the world looks up to.

  1. Lie. Believe your lies so that people around you start to believe them as well. Making things up and telling as many people as possible will help spread the lies even faster. The more people that start to tell the lie with you, the less likely people will question it. Facebook is a great place to do this!
  2. Be really, really mean. If someone falls down in front of you, don’t help them up. Laugh at them. Call them a loser. It makes you feel like a winner!
  3. Never, ever be charitable. Only you, your friends (if you have any), or your family matter. Feel free to create a bogus non-profit if some bleeding heart liberal puke questions you on this. Just use the money you put into it to bribe other people, or politicians. It’s kind of a tax-free slush fund.
  4. Be a racist. You are white and male (and fucking American!). Take advantage of that. There are millions of other assholes in America to back you up, so don’t worry about who hates you, either. Gays? Women? Latinos? Ok, your mom is Latino, but still, you look white. Just ALWAYS check that box.
  5. Women are just used for sex. Some are kind of smart, but don’t trust them. Let a few that you don’t find attractive work for you, the rest you can grab by the pussy, tits, or…wherever. They love it, especially the more of a celebrity you are. Even if you get married, you can cheat on her all you want. Try to find a hot wife that knows you will cheat on her to make it easier, or just a good looking stupid one that believes your lies (by then you should be a gifted fabulist).
    1. Some of these women are bitches and you can sue them, or threaten their livelihood. Usually they just want to keep their job and that keeps them quiet. Remember, they are just objects, not a winner like you.
    2. Please, work with me to convince your Mother and Sister that this is the new normal. Resistance is futile. Millions of Americans can’t be wrong.
  6. Sue people. Lots of people are just dumb and deserve to be impoverished. Again, this makes you feel like a winner.
  7. Winning is everything. Don’t be a loser.
  8. Don’t pay people for their work. Spend other peoples money. Never pay taxes. There are plenty of Americans that are too stupid to dodge their taxes and stay out of prison. Don’t be a schmuck, son.
  9. Whine. A lot. People LOVE a whiner. Things not going your way? Say they cheated! Someone says you touched their pudenda? Deny it! Ugly social media meme about what you really did? Deflect to someone else that did the same thing, just years before you! As long as you did it second, it’s not actually bad or against the law.
  10. Be a bully. No one likes a pussy, son. If they are a weak loser, they deserve to be called names. Kick their ass. Especially if they have a disability. It’s much easier to make fun of them than someone that can hit back!