10 Morals for My Son After the 2016 Election

We are nearing the end of 2016, and the final outcome of the Presidential election has come to pass. Donald J. Trump is the President Elect.

I know that this has disturbed you. You have heard the same things that I did throughout his campaign. No, we didn’t make them up. Someone else didn’t tell us about them, or spin a story that was hard to fathom. You’re not going crazy. I heard him say and do those things as well.

I have some changes to the way I will be bringing you up so that you, too, can become a Great Man

I know that I wasn’t a big fan of Hillary Clinton and I am sorry for that. It was an extremely difficult choice for me to support her, but at the time I felt like it was a sober one in light of all that we learned about her opponent.

But now, days after the election’s completion, I question everything I have said. Not just about Mr. Trump, but about every moral or value I instilled in you thus far. Millions of people have spoken. Perhaps I have been wrong all along. To be the President of the United States is the highest honor an American citizen can undertake, and he (or she) has to prove to be an exemplary human being. The entire free world looks to them for guidance, wisdom and fairness in equal measure. Therefore, I question all that I have shared with you about my opinions of our President Elect.

With that being said, I have some changes to the way I will be bringing you up so that you, too, can become a Great Man that the world looks up to.

  1. Lie. Believe your lies so that people around you start to believe them as well. Making things up and telling as many people as possible will help spread the lies even faster. The more people that start to tell the lie with you, the less likely people will question it. Facebook is a great place to do this!
  2. Be really, really mean. If someone falls down in front of you, don’t help them up. Laugh at them. Call them a loser. It makes you feel like a winner!
  3. Never, ever be charitable. Only you, your friends (if you have any), or your family matter. Feel free to create a bogus non-profit if some bleeding heart liberal puke questions you on this. Just use the money you put into it to bribe other people, or politicians. It’s kind of a tax-free slush fund.
  4. Be a racist. You are white and male (and fucking American!). Take advantage of that. There are millions of other assholes in America to back you up, so don’t worry about who hates you, either. Gays? Women? Latinos? Ok, your mom is Latino, but still, you look white. Just ALWAYS check that box.
  5. Women are just used for sex. Some are kind of smart, but don’t trust them. Let a few that you don’t find attractive work for you, the rest you can grab by the pussy, tits, or…wherever. They love it, especially the more of a celebrity you are. Even if you get married, you can cheat on her all you want. Try to find a hot wife that knows you will cheat on her to make it easier, or just a good looking stupid one that believes your lies (by then you should be a gifted fabulist).
    1. Some of these women are bitches and you can sue them, or threaten their livelihood. Usually they just want to keep their job and that keeps them quiet. Remember, they are just objects, not a winner like you.
    2. Please, work with me to convince your Mother and Sister that this is the new normal. Resistance is futile. Millions of Americans can’t be wrong.
  6. Sue people. Lots of people are just dumb and deserve to be impoverished. Again, this makes you feel like a winner.
  7. Winning is everything. Don’t be a loser.
  8. Don’t pay people for their work. Spend other peoples money. Never pay taxes. There are plenty of Americans that are too stupid to dodge their taxes and stay out of prison. Don’t be a schmuck, son.
  9. Whine. A lot. People LOVE a whiner. Things not going your way? Say they cheated! Someone says you touched their pudenda? Deny it! Ugly social media meme about what you really did? Deflect to someone else that did the same thing, just years before you! As long as you did it second, it’s not actually bad or against the law.
  10. Be a bully. No one likes a pussy, son. If they are a weak loser, they deserve to be called names. Kick their ass. Especially if they have a disability. It’s much easier to make fun of them than someone that can hit back!

Parental Controls Brain Teaser

For those of you that have been through this before, and didn’t fall into the same mental trap that I did, feel free to move on to your next task instead of reading further. Might I suggest Brian Greene’s TED talk “Making Sense of String Theory” or describing the plot of The Big Short to a room full of 6th graders.

I’ll make this quick. My son is 13 and a gamer. He is highly creative as well, making videos of his creations, no-scope 360’s, and other mayhem. He keeps his grades up and helps about the house, so he has earned his recreational time. Still, he will game long past when we go to bed, leading to an unhealthy lack of sleep.

Our Linksys WRT 1200AC is loaded with features. When confronted with this issue, I remembered the Parental Controls that were built into the router, and set up a block schedule that ensured he was winding down at 10PM on a school night, 2am on the weekends.


This looked correct, but on my first Saturday night, while deep in REM state, my son rapped on my door to let me know that he had lost his internet connection at the RIDICULOUS time of midnight. How could this be?

Grumbling and bleary-eyed I shuffled out of bed in my tighty-whiteys, not even bothering to put on pajama bottoms so as to make him feel uncomfortable for disturbing me, since this was clearly something that he did wrong…but was it? Things looked just right when I logged into the router.

The problem was that I was overlooking the fact that each day starts at 12 midnight – and thus my block schedule was incorrect. Once fixed, it looked something like what you see below. Arriving at this simple construct still required a second set of eyes (my wife) the next day to make sure things made sense.


So if you find yourself up in the middle of the night, blaming the hardware or some other technology, remember that human error is more likely the issue.